BDSM FAQ - Revision history

Admin: /* I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do? */

2015-02-11T12:42:11Z

‎I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I'm freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?

Admin: /* What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom? */

2015-02-11T12:38:53Z

‎What is the difference between letting a Dominant know what your hard limits are and Topping from the bottom?

Admin: /* How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave? */

2015-02-11T12:36:50Z

‎How do I train a slave/How can I train to be a slave?

Admin: /* How can I make my partner into my dom/sub? */

2015-02-11T12:34:37Z

‎How can I make my partner into my dom/sub?

Admin: /* How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop? */

2015-02-11T12:31:10Z

‎How will I know if I've gone too far? What if I do something terrible? What if I can't stop?

Admin: /* Is it really a consent violation just to touch someone's hand/hair/etc.? */

2015-02-11T12:27:21Z

‎Is it really a consent violation just to touch someone's hand/hair/etc.?

Admin: /* How can I make my partner into my dom/sub? */

2014-09-09T09:32:07Z

‎How can I make my partner into my dom/sub?

Admin: /* How can I be a good slave? */

2014-09-06T16:01:43Z

‎How can I be a good slave?

Admin: /* What's a good list of protocols? */

2014-09-06T16:00:01Z

‎What's a good list of protocols?

Admin: /* Should I put pictures of my face on online fetish websites? */

2014-09-06T15:57:36Z

‎Should I put pictures of my face on online fetish websites?

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 Here's the real question... was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Is it absolute that there is a [[Consent]] violation happening? If none of these questions can be answered with a definite yes, chances are, it has been [[negotiated]] and if you're not the authority on call, it's not your job to intervene, however, you can still express a concern to an authority figure (such as a [[DM]]) to keep an eye on the [[scene]] in question.
-[[Best Practices]] are great, and you should '''always''' follow them, but the reality of the situation is: accidents happen and sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book. If you think something is seriously dangerous, a [[consent]] violation, or there is an [[BORK| undue risk of injury]], report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a [[Dungeon Monitor]], [[House Dom]], Venue Owner, or the [[top]] in question and privately indicate the violation and how to correct it). If you feel that the situation has not been resolved, speak to another Dungeon Monitor or House Dom, or go to the Event Staff, Security Staff, or Event Coordinator. If this action does not resolve a serious issue, it is time to leave this particular venue or event.
+[[Best Practices]] are great, and you should '''always''' follow them, but the reality of the situation is: accidents happen and sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book. If you think something is seriously dangerous, a [[consent]] violation, or there is an [[BORK| undue risk of injury]], report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a [[Dungeon Monitor]], [[House Dom]], Venue Owner, or the [[top]] in question and privately indicate the violation and how to correct it). If you feel that the situation has not been resolved, speak to another Dungeon Monitor or House Dom, or go to the Event Staff, Security Staff, or Event Coordinator. If this action does not resolve a serious issue, it is time to leave this particular venue or event not on the grounds that something wrong has happened, but that you aren't comfortable with the situation.
 If this occurs and an event or venue appears unsafe to you, chances are, other people will think also so too. Bring it to the attention of the community at large in a way that does not accuse specific individuals or demonize an event as a whole, i.e. instead of naming a specific individual(s), say "I saw what I believed to be a consent violation at x event/space on (date)" and explain the actions undertaken, which you believed to be dangerous and/or a consent violation and how they were (not) handled by authority/staff. Further, make it a point to ask questions when appropriate rather than make accusations. This will present that you are seeking to be informed rather than making baseless accusations and spreading gossip.

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:38, 11 February 2015
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	As such, negotiating your [[Hard limits]] for a scene cannot be considered topping from the bottom because you have not yet consented to have the right to state your needs to be taken away, and should you ever consent to such a relationship type involving [[Consensual non-consent]] it is hoped that you have spent a great deal of time, effort and energy learning your partner and developing the incredible levels of trust necessary for such a relationship to function in a healthy and responsible manner.		As such, negotiating your [[Hard limits]] for a scene cannot be considered topping from the bottom because you have not yet consented to have the right to state your needs to be taken away, and should you ever consent to such a relationship type involving [[Consensual non-consent]] it is hoped that you have spent a great deal of time, effort and energy learning your partner and developing the incredible levels of trust necessary for such a relationship to function in a healthy and responsible manner.
		+
		+	Further, topping from the bottom can't take place without the dom bottoming from the top to begin with.

	== How do collars work? ==		== How do collars work? ==

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 That said, what a Master needs to train a slave is a clear understanding of what it is that they want from the slave, and the ability to successfully direct the slave to do those things.
-What a slave needs to train under a Master is the desire to be obedient.
+What a slave needs to train under a Master is the desire and motivation to be obedient.
 That said, there is an entire section on [[Slave training]] in the wiki that discusses many useful tools to assist in this process.

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:34, 11 February 2015
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	That said, it is also OK for romantic partners to decide that one or both romantic partners meet certain needs with other people, so long as it is discussed openly and honestly and with informed consent by responsible, mature, adult parties. This is not terribly uncommon and it bears mentioning that deciding to meet [[SM]] needs is not necessarily the same as meeting sexual needs with another partner, and that even meeting sexual needs with another partner does not mean that one is looking to replace and romantic and intimate partner.		That said, it is also OK for romantic partners to decide that one or both romantic partners meet certain needs with other people, so long as it is discussed openly and honestly and with informed consent by responsible, mature, adult parties. This is not terribly uncommon and it bears mentioning that deciding to meet [[SM]] needs is not necessarily the same as meeting sexual needs with another partner, and that even meeting sexual needs with another partner does not mean that one is looking to replace and romantic and intimate partner.
		+
		+	While you can't force your partner into a role, you can make it easier for them by being helpful and supportive in ways that you identify as appropriate.

	== Is it really domination if it's only online? ==		== Is it really domination if it's only online? ==

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 *Causing permanent and/or severe damage or death, even with consent.
 *Performing an act with someone or something unable to reasonably give informed consent (such as with someone severely intoxicated).
 While it is entirely possible you are the next serial killer that will terrorize your region, however, chances are if you are worried about that, you have a good degree of empathy and aren't a total sociopath. Then again, if you are really, really worried you might do something awful, please do seek professional help immediately and do not engage in any sort of BDSM activity until you are deemed emotionally well balanced enough to participate in risk taking behaviors.

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 There is a huge spectrum of consent violations, from personal space invasions to rape and assault. Despite the varying degrees of perceived "severity" throughout the spectrum of consent violation, '''all''' consent violations are serious matters. If you violate someone's consent accidentally whether out of lack of information or forgetfulness, be sure to make an immediate, genuine apology and recognize what has been done wrong.
-Although boundaries differ from person to person, it is always good to be aware that every person's boundaries deserve equal respect. [[Best Practices]] indicate that it is proper etiquette to ask before touching anybody. This also goes for calling people anything other than their given name or pronoun or standing or sitting within a foot or two of a person.
+Although boundaries differ from person to person, it is always good to be aware that every person's boundaries deserve equal respect. [[Best Practices]] indicate that it is proper etiquette to ask before touching anybody. This also goes for calling people anything other than their given name or preferred pronoun or standing or sitting within a foot or two of a person.
 In many cases in the world of [[BDSM]], people will have a [[Protocol]] set in place that requires either certain permissions or specific actions to be performed before they are allowed by their figure of authority, whether [[Dominant]], [[Mentor]], [[Trainer]], or [[Significant other]], to perform certain actions. These protocols can also disallow interactions of some natures, such as touching. If a person asks you to speak first with their figure of authority, or says that they need to consult their figure of authority, do not be taken aback. This is their way of securing the idea that they do indeed consent to what you are asking of them, even if it seems superficial to you. If a person says that they cannot perform the action you desire due to protocol, respect their boundaries. Those boundaries are put in place for a reason, even if you do not understand that reason.

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 Introducing [[D/s]] into a relationship is something you really need to talk to them about with at length. The first thing you need to do is make sure that they want the same thing that you do and are on comfortable with or excited about the possibility of introducing [[power exchange]] dynamics into your relationship, and also that you begin negotiating about what kinds of roles you would both like, what responsibilities you are both willing to take on, and then you have to agree on that, and then you can move a little further down the pipe into trying out some things you both [[Consent]] to.
-That's the real answer to the question that was asked, but lets try and get at what questions were ''really'' being asked.
+More to the point, ''Can you force someone to embrace [[dominance]] or [[submission]]?'' No. Can you force someone into any role they aren't prepared to take on? No. Further, attempting to force someone to do those things is likely a serious [[consent]] violation. Additionally, if their heart really isn't in embracing the role they are attempting to take on, chances are their performance won't just be poor at first (which is common for when anyone tries something new), but will continue to be poor consistently, ending in frustration for both parties, often times ending the relationship if both parties are not skilled with open and honest communications.
-−
 ''Can you force someone to embrace [[dominance]] or [[submission]]?'' No. Can you force someone into any role they aren't prepared to take on? No. Further, attempting to force someone to do those things is likely a serious [[consent]] violation. Additionally, if their heart really isn't in embracing the role they are attempting to take on, chances are their performance won't just be poor at first (which is common for when anyone tries something new), but will continue to be poor consistently, ending in frustration for both parties, often times ending the relationship if both parties are not skilled with open and honest communications.
 That said, it is also OK for romantic partners to decide that one or both romantic partners meet certain needs with other people, so long as it is discussed openly and honestly and with informed consent by responsible, mature, adult parties.  This is not terribly uncommon and it bears mentioning that deciding to meet [[SM]] needs is not necessarily the same as meeting sexual needs with another partner, and that even meeting sexual needs with another partner does not mean that one is looking to replace and romantic and intimate partner.

← Older revision		Revision as of 16:01, 6 September 2014
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	If you're not sure, pretty much learning any trade that is service oriented is a great way to have something to bring to the table when you are [[negotiating]] a [[relationship]] with potential Master. Consider reviewing some of the [[Service Oriented Disciplines]] and [[Sexual Disciplines]] depending on which ways make you happiest to serve.		If you're not sure, pretty much learning any trade that is service oriented is a great way to have something to bring to the table when you are [[negotiating]] a [[relationship]] with potential Master. Consider reviewing some of the [[Service Oriented Disciplines]] and [[Sexual Disciplines]] depending on which ways make you happiest to serve.
		+
		+	One of the books in our [[Store]], "Real Service" by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny, as well as the [[slave training]] articles can be a great bit of help to getting started.

	== How do I figure out which status role I'm best suited for? ==		== How do I figure out which status role I'm best suited for? ==

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 Visit the [[protocol]] article to learn more about how to draft and implement protocols and if you need some additional understandings of protocols that other people use as a guiding light consider the following options:
 *[http://www.ownership-possession.com/wiki/Estate_protocol/ House Tanos Estate Protocols]
-*[http://www.amazon.com/Protocol-Handbook-Leather-Slave-Practice/dp/1887895159/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y Robert Ruebel's Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave]
+*[http://www.elegantlykinky.com/#high-protocol-manual Mistress Zeneca's High Protocol Manuals]
-−
-*[http://www.amazon.com/Protocols-Handbook-Robert-J-Rubel/dp/1887895124 Robert Ruebel's Protocol Handbook for the Female Slave]
-*[http://www.elegantlykinky.com/#acf/custom_plain Mistress Zeneca's High Protocol Manuals]
+*[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AMiqYJ98mu-YXIVkp9lxNiKhfOuIr1_JeECMb6Ikw-E/ House of KAOS Estate Protocols]
 == How can I be a good slave? ==

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 == Should I put pictures of my face on online fetish websites? ==
-Many people do, but doing so is a risk.  If you aren't absolutely certain you are comfortable with all your friends, family and coworkers finding out about all of the things you've shared through that profile, it is best not to post face pics.  If someone asks you for a face pic you can always email it to them if you decide you trust them not to [[outed| out]] you.  Be aware that some people are cruel and will attempt to out you or threaten to do so in order to manipulate and control you, avoid getting to that space to begin with by protecting yourself to begin with.  If you find yourself in that position, save all relevant documents and take the information to the local authorities.  Attempt to obtain a restraining order or file charges as appropriate and be aware of our [[Emergency BDSM Resources]].
+Many people do, but doing so is a risk.  If you aren't absolutely certain you are comfortable with all your friends, family and coworkers finding out about all of the things you've shared through that profile, it is best not to post face pics.  If someone asks you for a face pic you can always email it to them if you decide you trust them not to [[outed| out]] you.  Be aware that some people are cruel and will attempt to out you or threaten to do so in order to manipulate and control you, avoid getting to that space to begin with by protecting yourself to begin with.  If you find yourself in that position, save all relevant documents and take the information to the local authorities.  Attempt to obtain a restraining order or file charges as appropriate and be aware of our [[:Category:Emergency BDSM Resources]].
 == If I go to a dungeon or play party, do I have to play with other people? How am I supposed to act? ==