Difference between revisions of "Assertive Speech"

From BDSM Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search
[unchecked revision][unchecked revision]
Line 1: Line 1:
 
Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.
 
Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.
  
It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both [[d-types]] and [[s-types]].
+
It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both [[d-types]] and [[s-types]] and is a foundational skill for healthy [[relationships]].
  
 
== Benefits of Regularly Using Assertive Speech and Behaviors ==
 
== Benefits of Regularly Using Assertive Speech and Behaviors ==
  
Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
+
* Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
+
* Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
+
* Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
+
* Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
+
* Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
+
* Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
+
* Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
+
* Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.
  
- state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
+
== Prerequisite Training ==
- express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
+
- use “I” statements
+
- communicate respect for others
+
- listen well without interrupting
+
- feel in control of self
+
- have good eye contact
+
- speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
+
- have a relaxed body posture
+
- feel connected to others
+
- feel competent and in control
+
- not allow others to abuse or manipulate them
+
- stand up for their rights
+
  
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
+
* Productive communication and positive assertiveness create good relationships.
  
- feel connected to others  
+
* Allowing others to manipulate your behavior sacrifices your self-respect and sense of personal responsibility.
- feel in control of their lives
+
- are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
+
- create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
+
  
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
+
* In addition to the “fight or flight” response to challenges, humans can solve problems verbally.
  
- “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
+
* People can make you feel guilty by labeling your behavior “good” or “bad,” just like your parents did when you were a child.
- “I am confident about who I am.”
+
- “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
+
- “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”  
+
- “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
+
- “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.
+
- “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
+
- “I respect the rights of others.”
+
- “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
+
- “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.”
+
  
1Use the word I. Avoid using You, as this stops you from allowing control of the listener. Using omniscience removes control of the speaker, you, because "You" is only used to express indecisiveness.
+
* The right to be the judge of your behavior is the foundation of all the other rights.  
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 2.jpg
+
2Maintain eye contact. You should be staring at your listeners' eyes when speaking. Averting your eyes constantly or having no eye contact altogether will show timidness or discomfort.
+
Eye contact should not be a 'staring contest'. Breaking eye contact during unimportant parts during a conversation presents a natural environment with you and your listener. Staring without natural break in the eye contact may be interpreted as hostility.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 3.jpg
+
3Have a good posture. Think of yourself stretching from your head to your toes, sitting or standing. Pay attention to the neck, shoulder and upper back regions. Keep your back upright and your shoulder pushed back naturally. You should not be tense, but you should be mindful of your body and its composure.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 4.jpg
+
4Express body language. Make gestures that give a sense of warmth and openness on your behalf—open palms, circular arm movements, smiles, wrinkles of the nose, hugs, etc.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 5.jpg
+
5Avoid ambiguity. Explain yourself thoroughly and try not to create obscure responses.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 6.jpg
+
6Remember that silence is a tool, not an enemy. Learn to be comfortable with silence and use pauses. This is also useful for public speaking.
+
If you tend to say Umm, You know, Like, Yeah, or elongate the last word preceding an unintended pause, practise using pauses instead of muttering. People who subconsciously say auxiliaries tend to dislike silence.
+
Speak clearly. Mumbling, muttering, and circular sentences do nothing to further communication.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 7.jpg
+
7Use appropriate language. Do not swear or talk rudely. Obscenities do not show assertiveness—it shows crude behaviour and irresponsibility of your understanding.
+
This method of understanding propriety is called savoir-faire.
+
Be careful about the tone of your voice. Keep it moderated.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 8.jpg
+
8If you feel tears or anger coming on, breathe very deeply from the stomach—you should be able to see your stomach rise out and pull back in. This deep breathing will calm you in as little as four to five breaths.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 9.jpg
+
9Be mindful of your voice. If you are too soft, the other person will think you are trying to hide yourself and may ignore you. If you are too loud, the other person may become scared or vexed by your voice.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 10.jpg
+
10The most important thing is to believe that you are responsible for yourself. No one else is responsible for your behaviour and your personality.
+
Communicate in an Assertive Manner Step 11.jpg
+
11Express your emotions clearly. Focus on how you feel.
+
  
 +
* People use manipulative behavior to make you believe that you should live by their rules.
  
Change your Mindset-Remember that you have a right to be heard and your opinions and needs be considered when decisions are being made. If you are often fearful of speaking up, ask yourself “What is the worst thing that can possibly happen if I voice my feelings in a respectful manner?” More often than not you will discover your fears were not reality based and you will quickly calm down and feel more comfortable being assertive.
+
* To thwart manipulation, use the “broken record” behavioral response: Repeat what you want in a calm, collected manner, with no explanations.
  
Use “I” phrases-Be willing to own your opinions and feelings by saying something like “I need the report completed and on my desk by 5 p.m. today” or, “I need more time to consider these proposals, so may we meet again tomorrow at 8 a.m. to review?” In personal relationships there may be times when you want or need to say “no” to requests from family or friends. Simply say something along the lines of, “I would like to help you, but I already have a prior commitment on Saturday” or, “I appreciate the invitation, but I can‘t make it this time”.
+
* Respond to criticism by asking open ended questions that address the criticism.
  
Be Specific and Direct-Look the person directly in the eye and deliver your message in short, easy-to-understand sentences, respectfully offering or asking for clarification when needed. Keep in mind that men and women communicate differently, especially with those of the opposite sex, so make it a priority to learn the difference between men and women and their communication styles while striving to be assertive.
+
'''Assertive Rights'''
  
Respect Yourself and Others-Realize that you are worthy of being heard and that you have something valuable to say, just as others do. You have important ideas and suggestions that everyone will be benefited by after respectfully considering what you have to say, just as they do. Recognize the things you do well and feel good about yourself and your achievements, and take gradual steps to improve in the areas you have difficulty with.
+
* “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”
 +
* “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other
 +
people’s problems for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to change your mind for any reason or no reason at all.” see [[consent]].
 +
* “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping
 +
with them for any reason or no reason at all.
 +
* “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’ for any reason or no reason at all.
 +
* “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
 +
 
 +
== How to Speak Assertively ==
 +
 
 +
* use “I” statements to state your thoughts clearly and concisely
 +
* state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
 +
* express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
 +
* communicate respect for others
 +
* listen well without interrupting
 +
* feel in control of yourself  
 +
* have good eye contact
 +
* speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
 +
* have a relaxed body posture, be warm and open with gesturing
 +
* feel connected to others
 +
* feel competent and use a tones that conveys confidence in yourself
 +
* do not allow others to abuse or manipulate you or others
 +
* stand up for your rights
 +
* utilize silence rather than "umm", "like", "uhhhh" and similar speech delay tactics
 +
* admit to mistakes openly and seek to learn from, remedy, and prevent them in the future
 +
* practice assertive speech on your own, with a mirror; be mindful to be respectful if practicing a confrontation.
 +
 
 +
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
 +
 
 +
* feel connected to others
 +
* feel in control of their lives
 +
* are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
 +
* create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
 +
 
 +
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
  
Prepare and Practice-If you find there is a need to confront someone, take some time to prepare what message you wish to get across and practice your tone of voice and body language, in order to achieve assertive communication while also keeping the lines of communication, compromise and negotiation open.
+
* “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
 +
* “I am confident about who I am.”
 +
* “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
 +
* “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
 +
* “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
 +
* “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
 +
* “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
 +
* “I respect the rights of others.”
 +
* “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
 +
* “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.
  
Productive communication and positive assertiveness create good relationships.
 
• Allowing others to manipulate your behavior sacrifices your self-respect and sense
 
of personal responsibility.
 
• In addition to the “fight or flight” response to challenges, humans can solve
 
problems verbally.
 
• People can make you feel guilty by labeling your behavior “good” or “bad,” just like
 
your parents did when you were a child.
 
• The “Bill of Assertive Rights” is the basis for healthy relationships.
 
• The right to be the judge of your behavior is the foundation of all the other rights.
 
• People use manipulative behavior to make you believe that you should live by
 
their rules.
 
• To thwart manipulation, use the “broken record” behavioral response: Repeat what
 
you want in a calm, collected manner, with no explanations.
 
• “Fogging, negative assertion and negative inquiry” are useful reactions to criticism.
 
• Your best answer depends on the context of the conversation and on what kind of
 
relationship is at play: “commercial or formal,” authoritarian, or “equal.”
 
  
“A Bill of Assertive Rights”
 
1. “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take
 
the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.”
 
2. “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”
 
3. “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other
 
people’s problems.”
 
4. “You have the right to change your mind.”
 
5. “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.”
 
6. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’.”
 
7. “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping
 
with them.”
 
8. “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.”
 
9. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’.”
 
10. “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’.”
 
 
[[Category:Communication Disciplines]][[Category:Relationships]][[Category:Slave Training]][[Cateogry:Psychological Disciplines]][[Category:Power Exchange]]
 
[[Category:Communication Disciplines]][[Category:Relationships]][[Category:Slave Training]][[Cateogry:Psychological Disciplines]][[Category:Power Exchange]]

Revision as of 00:03, 15 August 2014

Assertive speech is a style of communication in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem and is a primary tool for effective communication in relationships when coupled with respecting the rights of others.

It is noted that assertive speech is a tool that is exceptionally useful to both d-types and s-types and is a foundational skill for healthy relationships.

Benefits of Regularly Using Assertive Speech and Behaviors

  • Reduces anxiety and stress often caused by misunderstandings and conflicts.
  • Allows you to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and effectively.
  • Self-esteem and self-confidence is enhanced and you have better control over your own life.
  • Others have more respect for your ideas and opinions by knowing where you stand.
  • Relationships with others are greatly improved by disagreeing without being hostile.
  • Having the ability to say “no” when you mean “no” without feeling self-conscious.
  • Motivates others to clearly state their own opinions and ideas.
  • Allows you to ask for help when needed without fear and stress.

Prerequisite Training

  • Productive communication and positive assertiveness create good relationships.
  • Allowing others to manipulate your behavior sacrifices your self-respect and sense of personal responsibility.
  • In addition to the “fight or flight” response to challenges, humans can solve problems verbally.
  • People can make you feel guilty by labeling your behavior “good” or “bad,” just like your parents did when you were a child.
  • The right to be the judge of your behavior is the foundation of all the other rights.
  • People use manipulative behavior to make you believe that you should live by their rules.
  • To thwart manipulation, use the “broken record” behavioral response: Repeat what you want in a calm, collected manner, with no explanations.
  • Respond to criticism by asking open ended questions that address the criticism.

Assertive Rights

  • “You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.”
  • “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other

people’s problems for any reason or no reason at all.”

  • “You have the right to change your mind for any reason or no reason at all.” see consent.
  • “You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t know’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping
with them for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to be illogical in making decisions for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t understand’ for any reason or no reason at all.”
  • “You have the right to say, ‘I don’t care’ for any reason or no reason at all.”

How to Speak Assertively

  • use “I” statements to state your thoughts clearly and concisely
  • state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
  • express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
  • communicate respect for others
  • listen well without interrupting
  • feel in control of yourself
  • have good eye contact
  • speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
  • have a relaxed body posture, be warm and open with gesturing
  • feel connected to others
  • feel competent and use a tones that conveys confidence in yourself
  • do not allow others to abuse or manipulate you or others
  • stand up for your rights
  • utilize silence rather than "umm", "like", "uhhhh" and similar speech delay tactics
  • admit to mistakes openly and seek to learn from, remedy, and prevent them in the future
  • practice assertive speech on your own, with a mirror; be mindful to be respectful if practicing a confrontation.

The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:

  • feel connected to others
  • feel in control of their lives
  • are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
  • create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature

The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:

  • “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
  • “I am confident about who I am.”
  • “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
  • “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
  • “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
  • “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
  • “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
  • “I respect the rights of others.”
  • “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
  • “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.”Cateogry:Psychological Disciplines